I get hungry when I'm angry

I get hungry when I'm angry,
I eat everything in sight,
But I don't get angry often
So it shouldn't be a plight.

But I also eat when tired,
Sad or happy, or just bored,
I eat to satisfy my hunger
And then I eat some more.

Sometimes I eat for energy,
But mostly just for fun.
I guess that's why I've grown
To weigh about a half a ton.

swimsuit season won't break me this year.

As far back as I can remember, I've hated putting on a bathing suit.  Even without the hassle of sunscreen (hello bane of my existence) it always felt like torture trying to find a suit that didn't accentuate my belly roll or wide hips or thick limbs or unsightly body hair. (TMI? So sorry.).   But can we talk about how hard it is to have a good time at the beach/pool while constantly worrying about how you look?  Quite frankly its a bummer.

I've spent my springs failing at dieting and my summers trying to cover up my flaws.  I've spent my life criticizing myself, often out loud for anyone and everyone to hear.

And now I have a daughter.  A big daughter.  At 16 months she is already wearing size 2T and pushing the top of the weight charts.  She is perfect in my eyes, but I look forward 10 years from now and I can see so clearly how my little remarks about myself will have affected her so deeply.  She will be ashamed of her round belly and might even start turning down pool party invitations.  She will compare her own shape to those of her friends and think how much simpler everything would be if she could have just been blessed with the "thin" gene.  And my heart is breaking already for my future 11-year-old, knowing that try as I may, no words will ever convince her that she is beautiful, wonderful, perfect the way she is.

So it's time to break the cycle.

How do you break a 20-year-old (maybe even more than that) habit?  When did I start bullying myself?  And how do I stop?  Baby steps, perhaps.  Today I played in the backyard in my bathing suit (which for once in my life does NOT have a skirt because swimming in a skirted bathing suit is ridiculously annoying) feeling imperfect but free.  I splashed with my kids in our tiny pool and then spent a few blissful minutes basking on our swing.  Without a cover-up on.  Without making any comments (at least not out loud) about how much weight I desperately need to lose.  Baby steps.

And maybe, just maybe, my daughter will experience an adolescence where weight and self-esteem are not inversely proportional.

Can I protect her from society's insane demands on women to be thin, perfectly sculpted, flawlessly smooth?  No.  But I can certainly do my best to keep the self-judgment out of my house.

Wish me luck.

i can't find my phone.

My phone has gone missing, probably lost beneath a couch cushion or pile of dirty clothes or hiding amongst the hundreds of board books regularly scattered across the living room.

The dishes are piled up in the sink, half-rinsed and simply needing to be thrown in the dishwasher, but that of course sits full of clean dishes waiting to be put away.  If I could just find my phone ...

My kids are digging madly into a bag of pretzel goldfish, even after several friends posted the warning article "5 foods to never feed your children at all costs unless you want them to develop serious behavior problems or worse be morbidly obese by age six" and number one on the list was goldfish.  Does it make a difference that they are not the orange kind?  Now they are fighting over the last bunch of grapes so I suppose they will live.

We have big plans for the day: baby time at the library at 11:00.  The elder doesn't care that it's baby time because all he wants to do is play the Dora game on the computer there.  I don't mind; it's a half hour where I know he's not on the verge of breaking a bone or a window or another plastic toy.

I had something else to share here but am now distracted by the crazy dancing happening before me.  I forget where I was going with this.  Or was I ever going anywhere? Just to the library I guess.

days like today

We have lived in this little house for 10+ months now, but today our little house feels connected to our little neighborhood.

We went to the neighbor's for swimming and dinner last night, and saw them again at the parade this morning.  Friendly hellos like we'd been friends forever, and not just neighbors for a few short months.  Their kids, K (12) and E (15), excited to see our kids .. Maxwell barely able to contain his excitement at seeing them again.  

And afterwards, the 12yo boy came over to hangout while Maxwell ate his lunch in the backyard.  Soon a knock on the door brought three more kids ages 10-15 through the house, looking for K but then happily climbing in and out of the Step 2 playhouse in our yard, gangly sunburned legs and arms sticking out everywhere, everyone treating Max like a peer.  Then they were eating apples from my refrigerator and saying polite hellos to "Mr. Trevor" and laughing and playing and encouraging Max to finish his burger so he could come swim with them.

Now, "Mr. Trevor" and Maxwell swimming next door with the four older kids and the neighbor patriarch, part of the gang, while Molly naps and I get a chance to catch my breath.

What else is there to say? I love days like today. 

Too honest?

The day starts like any other:  I'm tired.  The kids want breakfast.  Trevor is heading out the door to work.  I insist he take the car because, really, where would I want to take two snot-nosed kids today anyways?  So I'm housebound, and it's cold out, and .. ugh.

I realize I'm in a rut.  A great big lazy "all-I-want-to-do-is-sleep-but-I-can't-because-I'm-a-Mom" rut.  This has to stop. 

The kids and I have breakfast (mine with a lot of coffee) and head down to the family room for a little Wii Fit.  I tell myself if I can force myself to care about my health for just ten minutes, it'll be a start.  I hop on the balance board and it tells me it has been almost 200 days since my last weigh-in and I have gained .. wait, how much?!  How did THAT happen?

I comment out loud that I've gained a LOT of weight since the last time I played this game and Maxwell says, "Because you're growing another baby."  It did not come out sounding like a question, but rather what he assumed would be the rest of my sentence had I continued it.

After reassuring him that, no, Mommy is not growing another baby and never will because two kids is plenty, I exercised HARD.  I found my motivation, buried deep under donuts and ice cream and laziness and frustration and just.not.caring.  I thought, this is it.  That innocent comment was exactly what I needed to get back on track. 

I shower, we eat healthy snacks, we play outside, I feel GREAT!  I feel so ALIVE!  What is wrong with me?  Why have I been spending so much time NOT exercising?  Eating unhealthy foods?  Being lazy and indifferent?

At some point after lunch, Maxwell throws a tantrum to end all tantrums and after struggling to get him to stay in time-out I suddenly find my arm wrist-deep in a bag of chocolate chips.  "How did that get there?" I ask.  And it's all downhill from there.  Rut, nice to see you again. 

Tomorrow is another day.

Life after facebook

I'm not sure how long I will/can stay away from facebook.  All I know is that it took a few days to stop thinking of life in terms of status updates and I don't think I want to go back.

I've popped on to check people's pictures a few times, so I can't claim that I've completely ditched the habit .. but I watched an entire movie with Trevor the other night without logging on once and (now this is sad) I had forgotten how good movies can be when I allow myself to be totally engrossed.

This is the first time I've sat down with my laptop this week, other than to sync my fitbit.  A whole new world is opening up before me, folks.  Maybe I'll join a book club.

Baby girl is awake.  Two new teeth this morning, so not surprisingly the nap didn't last long.  Something I've learned:  teething is the same whether I complain about it on facebook or not.

I resolve to

eat less, exercise more.

always kiss Trevor 'fore he goes out the door.

cook more, complain less.

keep important things, donate the rest.

watch my language, say my prayers.

always dress the kids in layers.

save money, avoid take-out.

give more hugs, try not to shout.

worry less, make time to play.

count my blessings every day.