I get hungry when I'm angry

I get hungry when I'm angry,
I eat everything in sight,
But I don't get angry often
So it shouldn't be a plight.

But I also eat when tired,
Sad or happy, or just bored,
I eat to satisfy my hunger
And then I eat some more.

Sometimes I eat for energy,
But mostly just for fun.
I guess that's why I've grown
To weigh about a half a ton.

swimsuit season won't break me this year.

As far back as I can remember, I've hated putting on a bathing suit.  Even without the hassle of sunscreen (hello bane of my existence) it always felt like torture trying to find a suit that didn't accentuate my belly roll or wide hips or thick limbs or unsightly body hair. (TMI? So sorry.).   But can we talk about how hard it is to have a good time at the beach/pool while constantly worrying about how you look?  Quite frankly its a bummer.

I've spent my springs failing at dieting and my summers trying to cover up my flaws.  I've spent my life criticizing myself, often out loud for anyone and everyone to hear.

And now I have a daughter.  A big daughter.  At 16 months she is already wearing size 2T and pushing the top of the weight charts.  She is perfect in my eyes, but I look forward 10 years from now and I can see so clearly how my little remarks about myself will have affected her so deeply.  She will be ashamed of her round belly and might even start turning down pool party invitations.  She will compare her own shape to those of her friends and think how much simpler everything would be if she could have just been blessed with the "thin" gene.  And my heart is breaking already for my future 11-year-old, knowing that try as I may, no words will ever convince her that she is beautiful, wonderful, perfect the way she is.

So it's time to break the cycle.

How do you break a 20-year-old (maybe even more than that) habit?  When did I start bullying myself?  And how do I stop?  Baby steps, perhaps.  Today I played in the backyard in my bathing suit (which for once in my life does NOT have a skirt because swimming in a skirted bathing suit is ridiculously annoying) feeling imperfect but free.  I splashed with my kids in our tiny pool and then spent a few blissful minutes basking on our swing.  Without a cover-up on.  Without making any comments (at least not out loud) about how much weight I desperately need to lose.  Baby steps.

And maybe, just maybe, my daughter will experience an adolescence where weight and self-esteem are not inversely proportional.

Can I protect her from society's insane demands on women to be thin, perfectly sculpted, flawlessly smooth?  No.  But I can certainly do my best to keep the self-judgment out of my house.

Wish me luck.

i can't find my phone.

My phone has gone missing, probably lost beneath a couch cushion or pile of dirty clothes or hiding amongst the hundreds of board books regularly scattered across the living room.

The dishes are piled up in the sink, half-rinsed and simply needing to be thrown in the dishwasher, but that of course sits full of clean dishes waiting to be put away.  If I could just find my phone ...

My kids are digging madly into a bag of pretzel goldfish, even after several friends posted the warning article "5 foods to never feed your children at all costs unless you want them to develop serious behavior problems or worse be morbidly obese by age six" and number one on the list was goldfish.  Does it make a difference that they are not the orange kind?  Now they are fighting over the last bunch of grapes so I suppose they will live.

We have big plans for the day: baby time at the library at 11:00.  The elder doesn't care that it's baby time because all he wants to do is play the Dora game on the computer there.  I don't mind; it's a half hour where I know he's not on the verge of breaking a bone or a window or another plastic toy.

I had something else to share here but am now distracted by the crazy dancing happening before me.  I forget where I was going with this.  Or was I ever going anywhere? Just to the library I guess.

days like today

We have lived in this little house for 10+ months now, but today our little house feels connected to our little neighborhood.

We went to the neighbor's for swimming and dinner last night, and saw them again at the parade this morning.  Friendly hellos like we'd been friends forever, and not just neighbors for a few short months.  Their kids, K (12) and E (15), excited to see our kids .. Maxwell barely able to contain his excitement at seeing them again.  

And afterwards, the 12yo boy came over to hangout while Maxwell ate his lunch in the backyard.  Soon a knock on the door brought three more kids ages 10-15 through the house, looking for K but then happily climbing in and out of the Step 2 playhouse in our yard, gangly sunburned legs and arms sticking out everywhere, everyone treating Max like a peer.  Then they were eating apples from my refrigerator and saying polite hellos to "Mr. Trevor" and laughing and playing and encouraging Max to finish his burger so he could come swim with them.

Now, "Mr. Trevor" and Maxwell swimming next door with the four older kids and the neighbor patriarch, part of the gang, while Molly naps and I get a chance to catch my breath.

What else is there to say? I love days like today. 

Too honest?

The day starts like any other:  I'm tired.  The kids want breakfast.  Trevor is heading out the door to work.  I insist he take the car because, really, where would I want to take two snot-nosed kids today anyways?  So I'm housebound, and it's cold out, and .. ugh.

I realize I'm in a rut.  A great big lazy "all-I-want-to-do-is-sleep-but-I-can't-because-I'm-a-Mom" rut.  This has to stop. 

The kids and I have breakfast (mine with a lot of coffee) and head down to the family room for a little Wii Fit.  I tell myself if I can force myself to care about my health for just ten minutes, it'll be a start.  I hop on the balance board and it tells me it has been almost 200 days since my last weigh-in and I have gained .. wait, how much?!  How did THAT happen?

I comment out loud that I've gained a LOT of weight since the last time I played this game and Maxwell says, "Because you're growing another baby."  It did not come out sounding like a question, but rather what he assumed would be the rest of my sentence had I continued it.

After reassuring him that, no, Mommy is not growing another baby and never will because two kids is plenty, I exercised HARD.  I found my motivation, buried deep under donuts and ice cream and laziness and frustration and just.not.caring.  I thought, this is it.  That innocent comment was exactly what I needed to get back on track. 

I shower, we eat healthy snacks, we play outside, I feel GREAT!  I feel so ALIVE!  What is wrong with me?  Why have I been spending so much time NOT exercising?  Eating unhealthy foods?  Being lazy and indifferent?

At some point after lunch, Maxwell throws a tantrum to end all tantrums and after struggling to get him to stay in time-out I suddenly find my arm wrist-deep in a bag of chocolate chips.  "How did that get there?" I ask.  And it's all downhill from there.  Rut, nice to see you again. 

Tomorrow is another day.

Life after facebook

I'm not sure how long I will/can stay away from facebook.  All I know is that it took a few days to stop thinking of life in terms of status updates and I don't think I want to go back.

I've popped on to check people's pictures a few times, so I can't claim that I've completely ditched the habit .. but I watched an entire movie with Trevor the other night without logging on once and (now this is sad) I had forgotten how good movies can be when I allow myself to be totally engrossed.

This is the first time I've sat down with my laptop this week, other than to sync my fitbit.  A whole new world is opening up before me, folks.  Maybe I'll join a book club.

Baby girl is awake.  Two new teeth this morning, so not surprisingly the nap didn't last long.  Something I've learned:  teething is the same whether I complain about it on facebook or not.

I resolve to

eat less, exercise more.

always kiss Trevor 'fore he goes out the door.

cook more, complain less.

keep important things, donate the rest.

watch my language, say my prayers.

always dress the kids in layers.

save money, avoid take-out.

give more hugs, try not to shout.

worry less, make time to play.

count my blessings every day.

Some days

Some days are diamonds and some days are the crud on the bottom of your shoe that you can't quite identify and aren't quite sure you would want to anyway.

Some days I feel fulfilled and kind of like super-mom when I get the house cleaned AND feed the kids AND play with the kids AND have a bit of time leftover for a cup of coffee and some "me" time in the afternoon.  And then some days, well .. ... those things don't happen and I experience a bit of self-loathing for not accomplishing anything, along with a bit of self-pity that I'm stuck at home day after day after day with the same two small people who run my universe. 

Some days I love being "Mama/Mom/Mommy/Maaaaaaaa" and wouldn't trade it for the world.  And some days I try to remember who I was before I became a mother.  It's there, the faint lingering memory of pre-motherhood, and it is so close I can taste it, smell it, feel it, but it's gone forever and that fact is perhaps what makes it so appealing at times.

EVERY day, I love my children.  I love the way it feels to be the most important person in a small person's world.  I love the smell of baby shampoo.  I love the soft coziness of fleece sleepers.  I love that I can still fix a boo-boo with a kiss and a hug. 

So while pre-motherhood might some days seem appealing (because I can't have it and you know me, I've always wanted what I can't have), motherhood is even better.  Even on the bottom-of-the-shoe-crud days.

I'm going to go kiss my babies now.

A Holiday Party: Afterthoughts

We survived our first physics department holiday gathering with Trevor's new colleagues ..  I feel like that makes us official.  It was a pleasant enough evening, although we did have some hiccups. 


Upon arrival, I asked Maxwell to please let me know if he needed to use the potty.  Minutes later I heard Trevor make the same request.  And just a few minutes later, after he had run off to join the other hyenas- I mean children, the hostess was telling me that my son had had an accident.  Thank goodness for hardwood floors and understanding people who save their children's outgrown clothing and pull-ups.  He spent the rest of the evening in some very fancy looking girls' jeans rolled up several times, a Spiderman t-shirt a couple sizes too big, and a pull-up that quite possibly was a decade old.  Thankfully he is still young enough to not realize that what happened was something an older kid might be mortified over; instead after putting on his new outfit he just wanted to go show it off for everyone.  I love that kid. 
 

I was embarrassingly under-dressed.  I should have known better than to trust my husband who told me it was a "come-as-you-are party, I think."  If "I think" is in the sentence, then it's not based on anything except his own wild guess.   Next year I will be wearing my finest holiday sweater and fancy shoes.  The kids will be dressed as matching elves.


I love how politically correct people are when meeting me, a professor's wife with a baby on her hip.  "So what do you .. or .. do you .. um .. work outside the home?"  One woman assured me that I would be more than ready to go back to work when the kids were both in school.  "You won't know what to do with yourself!"  Hmm, I guess we'll see.  I sort of like the idea of being available for my children 24/7 .. just in case.  You know?  They get sick, and Trevor and I don't have to toss a coin to decide who has to miss work (not that a coin would be tossed .. but you know what I mean).  One of the kid's classes needs 500 cupcakes for a bake sale-- who has time for that?  The stay-at-home-mom whose kids are all in school, that's who.  I'd like to be that mom, is that such a bad goal?  Should I be setting my sights higher?  I don't think so.  But who knows how I'll feel in 3 years?  And who knows if our budget can continue to work on one income?  That's the real question.


So I certainly didn't meet any potential "mommy friends," but everyone was friendly and I didn't feel completely like a fish out of water.  I really don't like these social things, but I told Trevor it "wasn't terrible."  He beamed and said, "Well, that's a ringing endorsement coming from you!"

Quiet Time

There are no empty seats
so I'll sit on the floor. 
There are books on the chairs
and coats piled by the door.

The counters are covered
with dishes galore
and dust bunnies THIS big
I've ne'er seen before.

But the house has gone still,
there's no noise anymore,
except Max turning pages
and Molly's soft snore.

There's laundry to do
and dishes for sure -
but it can all wait,
or at least until four.

Because Mom needs a break,
she's tired to the core,
and if she doesn't sit down
there'll be no Mom no more.

Naptime

I guess I last posted in December 2012.  Not much has happened since then, but here's a quick recap:  new car, new baby, new job, new house.  Looking back now I guess we've been a bit busy.

It's naptime for both kids now, i.e. the perfect opportunity for me to pick up toys and vacuum up crumbs so that Molly won't eat them as she crawls around, empty the dishwasher, reload the dishwasher with all the dishes piled on the counter, finally clean the bathrooms (we have TWO now!), finish taking care of the laundry, maybe dust the piano, and .. oh forget it.

I'm sitting on my ever-expanding bum browsing pinterest and sipping coffee (cup #3 for the day - I used to be a one cup a day kinda gal.  The first child added a cup and the second child added another cup).  And now, as you have undoubtedly figured out, I am blogging. 

I think I spend more time getting Molly to surrender to sleepiness than she actually spends sleeping.  So by the time she's asleep, chores are the last thing I feel like doing.  It's like a duel:  her eyes grow heavy as I rock her back and forth wildly -- point for me.  She flails to keep herself awake and socks me in the nose -- three points for her.  Bonus points if she gets hold of my hair and actually pulls some out.

Motherhood is amazing.

No, but really, it is.  Earlier today I spread an old comforter in the grass in our lovely backyard and let Molly crawl all over me while Maxwell ate lunch at his little picnic table.  Beautiful breeze, nice cloud cover so I didn't have to worry TOO much about the possibility of sunburn (although, if you haven't noticed, my children and I are pasty and can burn even by moonlight) ...  we watched the fleets of crickets bouncing around the yard and listened to Maxwell's moving rendition of "Let it Go" for the umpteenth time. 

It was really a great two and a half minutes.  Probably the best part of our day so far.  Until now:  nap time. 

And now here I sit, enjoying a moment of peace before a certain boy screams, "Mommy I have a booger on my finger and I need you to get it!" or a sweet baby girl starts crying because her tiny tummy never stays full long enough for a good nap. 

I guess that's where I'll end this.  I really need to get back to pinterest and finishing planning our new decor.  I may actually have to become a DIYer.  I know how to weed now, so anything is possible.  Stay tuned.

Photo Card

Flurry Of Snow Holiday

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A Rare Perfect Day

Maxwell played happily this morning while I vacuumed the downstairs and got the kitchen cleaned up.  Then as we were headed to the tot lot we ran into our neighbor and her granddaughter Camille and found out they were going to toddler time at the library.  From that point on, the only thing Maxwell would say was, "Mille! Mille!"  So we changed our plans and headed to the library.  Maxwell actually behaved himself and had a great time clapping and stomping his feet to the circle songs.  From there we headed to the tot lot to play with Camille and her cousin Lily some more.  Maxwell loves going to the park, but even more so when the girls are there too!

On top of a wonderful morning with a happy kid, the mail turned out to be filled to the brim with goodies:  my Munchkin Backseat Organizer from YaySave! (FREE by using gift cards from Swagbucks), the set of 5 board books that I ordered Maxwell for Christmas (only $2 through a Swagbucks deal), Maxwell's swim trunks covered in motorcycles for our hotel stay while we're visiting Mom next week, and a packet of Gerber coupons!  There was so much mail for us today, the mailman knocked until I came to the door because it wouldn't fit through the mail slot and he was nice enough to not just leave it lying on our porch. 

After collecting the mail, Maxwell asked for his pacifier and happily climbed up the stairs to find his blanket.  He went down for a rest without a peep, and now I'm sitting here enjoying a (momentarily) clean living room and a hot mug of cinnamon vanilla coffee (which I bought on sale and with a coupon, naturally). 

It's these rare perfect days that make all the crazy tantrum-filled ones worth it.  And the sun just came out and is shining through the beautifully colored leaves on our sidewalk maple.  What more could a mama ask for?

I should probably put this in Maxwell's baby book.

Maxwell's Vocabulary in no particular order

1. Mama
2. Dada
3. Nanny
4. Pops
5. Gramma
6. Bribri
7. Taytay (Tegan)
8. Dave
9. Camille
10. Uncle
11. Nellie
12. Bubba
13. Grampy (dddddd)
14. Liz
15. Izze
16. pacifier
17. milk
18. water
19. cracker
20. cookie
21. pasta
22. apple
23. banana
24. grapes
25. motorcyle
26. jeep
27. blanket
28. ducky
29. moo
30. baa
31. neigh
32. ee ee (monkey)
33. quack
34. Andy (his elephant)
35. Elmo
36. Cookie monster
37. Grover
38. Pooh
39. Mickey
40. no
41. outdoors
42. all done
43. up
44. vroom (car)
45. door
46. ding (doorbell)
47. noodle
48. peas
49. ball
50. bath
51. squeezie
52. uh oh
53. hot
54. puppy
55. Max
56. baby
57. wild
58. twinkle twinkle
59. Bible
60. mail
61. more
62. booger
63. dip dip
64. applesauce
65. please
66. Bart
67. Raffi
68. boots
69. bike
70. TV
71. puffs
72. teeth
73. button
74. bottle
75. digger
76. buckle
77.  

Things a Housewife Should Be Able to Do

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to be a housewife.  Some girls dream of being a famous actress, the first female president, an Olympic athlete, or Oprah.  I dreamed of being Lucille Ball, polka dot dress and witty comebacks included.

Of course when I graduated high school I was single with absolutely no prospects for marriage in sight.  So I did the next best thing and went to college.  By the time I graduated college I was still single and marriage was still a distant and almost forgotten dream.  Since a B.A. in Mathematics doesn't really prepare you for much other than graduate school, I went to graduate school.  It was there that I finally met the love of my life and miraculously tricked him into marrying me.   When he finally finished grad school himself and I no longer had to be the breadwinner, I had a baby and became a housewife.  My dream was finally reality.

I thought that being a housewife would be instinctual.  Every room in my house would be immaculate and decorated just like a page from Better Homes and Gardens.  I would be like Betty Draper (minus the depression) and always have an amazing meal on the table when my world-weary husband arrived home from work. 

Oh, the naivety.  Being a housewife is not instinctual, and it is not easy.  My house is a disaster-zone, my child always has dried-something-or-other on his face, my husband regularly goes to work in a wrinkly shirt, and by the time he arrives home from work I am often lying on the floor in the middle of the living room letting my child climb on me like I'm a piece of furniture.  It's a tough gig. 

So this leads me to the point of this post: Things a Housewife Should Be Able to Do.  Clearly I will never be the picture-perfect magazine-cover homemaker.  But there are a few things that I think it's high time I learned how to do.  So I've written down a few goals, and maybe I'll blog about how they turn out.  And maybe I won't.  Knowing my commitment to regular blogging, probably the latter.

Things a Housewife Should Be Able to Do.

1. Cook a pot roast.
2. Roast a chicken.
3. Bake a pie (including homemade crust).
4. Establish a regular cleaning routine.
5. Give her child a haircut.
6. Look presentable after a long day of toddler-chasing and housework.

I'm not sure #6 is actually possible.  If you are a housewife and you have accomplished this, please leave a comment with specific instructions on how I too can accomplish this. 

I've attempted #5 a couple times now, and still haven't mastered it.  I think I'll get it though with more practice.

Today I tackled #1, but I'll leave the details for a future post. 

So, dear reader(s), did I forget anything vital on that list?

Sick and Tired

I've had a cold for a week now.  This is frustrating for a few reasons.

First and foremost, being sick is just plain annoying.  I have no idea where I caught it from, or how to get it to hurry up and go away.

Secondly, I'm the mother of a very energetic and busy toddler.  Maxwell doesn't get that I'm not trying to be boring and mean by not playing with him, I just happen to feel like I got hit by a truck.  Mothers' Immunity to Sickness should be a Law of Nature.  Seriously.

Finally, I was just starting to get into this whole jogging thing!!  Crazy, right?

In my last post I mentioned the Couch-to-5k program.  Yeah, it's pretty great.  Especially for someone like me who thought she HATED running.  Turns out that the real problem was that any time I tried to run I pushed myself too hard too soon.  This program has me increasing my running time bit by itty-bitty-bit.  I'm up to 3 consecutive minutes of jogging.  Doesn't seem like much to real runners, but it's a HUGE accomplishment for me.  So not being able to do the program for almost a week now is seriously bumming me out.  I'm afraid when I'm finally feeling better I'm going to have to start back at square one, i.e. only 60 seconds of jogging at a time.  And that's just embarrassing.

Trevor and I had found a 5k scheduled for the day after we would be completing the program .. but now I'm a week behind!  I did some digging and found another race a little further away that takes place a week later.  So that's the new goal - by November 3rd, I should be able to run (or, more accurately, slowly jog) a 5K without taking any walking breaks.

Turns out I have a lot of people rooting for me which is pretty cool.  I like the encouraging little notes and words of advice that keep popping up on Facebook.  I figured letting people know about this would make me more likely to stick to it.  I guess we'll see!

Being sick has had one small upside:  I've had an excuse to sit around a lot and earn a lot of Swagbucks.  And Trevor has been changing a LOT more of Maxwell's diapers ... 0:-)

Conversation with Maxwell

"Oh Doe?"

"We can't go outdoors right now, it's raining."

"La la la la?" (Elmo's song)

"We don't need to watch Sesame Street right now either. Let's just play for a while!"

"No!"

"You don't want to play with Mama?"

"No!"

"Don't you like playing?"

"No!"

I give up.

Whose idea was this again?

Just finished day one of a couch-to-5k program. Whose idea was this again? Oh yeah, the motivated half of a split-personality.

My neighbor caught me coming home and said, "You're not one of these crazy runner types, are you?!?" My response was that I don't think I've run since the year 2000. I must have been a sight: red in the face, panting, and drenched with sweat, because even at 6:30am it was already 75 and humid.

I haven't decided yet if I'll go for day two. I really dislike running.. But I also really dislike being out of shape. We'll see which half wins.

A brief and boring update.

On Thursday we hit the road for our last big trip of the summer.  PHEW!  It's great to visit family and see old friends, but honestly I'm looking forward to being back in Carlisle for longer than a two week stretch!  It's been a wonderfully busy, fantastically fun, whirlwind summer ... but come autumn I plan to bask in regularity. 

We're headed to Maine again (for the third time this summer) and then to Milford, NH for convention and lastly to Cape Cod (for the second time).  Really I'm incredibly lucky that my husband has such a soft summer schedule.  He has had a lot of work to do but a good part of it he's been able to do at home between travels.  And aside from the torturous car rides, Maxwell has been a trooper about all the irregularity.  If only we could figure out how to get him to nap in the car for more than 20 minutes ...

There is not much else going on here ...  I'm just trying to enjoy the crazy toddler antics that are in abundance these days.  Maxwell is still taking two naps a day, bless his tired little self.  He'll probably drop the morning one soon, but until then I'm loving that I have TWO brief opportunities to get things done (or rather, two opportunities to put my feet up and survey the disaster around me). 

Maxwell is snoozing right now and I actually already cleaned up the kitchen .. hence the blog post.  I take that back, I just heard a yelp from upstairs.  Time to collect the toddler and head out for groceries.

Have a lovely day, dear readers.  It's a beautiful one here!

I am still a math teacher.

I went to Kohl's recently with a 30% off coupon.  Anyone who knows me well knows that this is THE ultimate piece of mail for me.  I get that Kohl's envelope and see the 15/20/30 peel-off sticker and hold my breath ... will it be a 30 this time??  YES! I got a 30.  So, off I went, prepared to stock up on Maxwell essentials.

The girl ringing up my purchases was college age, maybe high school.  She accidentally hit the 25% button.  "Oops!  I'll just take off another 5%," she said, and hit the 5% button.  I couldn't believe it.  "Um .. I'm pretty sure that won't give me the same discount as a straight 30% ..."  She looked at me like I had three heads.  "Really? Why not? 25 and 5 make 30."  Oh dear me ...

I tried to politely explain that percentages don't ADD together, they multiply .. and that I would end up with a smaller discount overall, etc, etc .. until she started to look confused and flustered.  So instead I politely asked if we could start over and just see what happens.  She graciously voided my order and started from scratch.  I apologized in advance for causing her the extra work if it turned out the same after all (knowing all along that it wouldn't).

Sure enough, being a pain-in-the-butt saved me almost $2 more than if I had kept my mouth shut.  The cashier was clearly surprised.  "I'm so sorry, Ma'am, I've never been very good at math!"  I told her it was okay, and to try to remember for future customers. 

Just because I'm a stay-at-home-mom doesn't mean I can't spread a little math here and there.

For bonus points, dear readers:  Assuming that correcting the poor cashier saved me exactly $2 extra, what was the price of my purchase before any discounts were applied?